Self-Hate Occurs Subconsciously

I’ve spent my whole life unloving myself. 

There, I said it. It may have been a gradual thing, not necessarily occurring all at once. It was very likely a subconscious thing, my brain silently ripping myself apart. But for whatever reason, few or many, I’ve reached a point where I am not always content with who I am- which is absolutely ridiculous for the record. I am a healthy, happy, self-sufficient, living, breathing human being which is miraculous in itself and meant to be celebrated. I am completely unique, just as the rest of us are, in that there will never be another person with my same abilities, thoughts or actions. No one that will even come close to leading the same exact life as me. So then why? Why have I spent my life unloving myself? It’s clear that I am blessed and that I am fortunate. 

As a child, we are radiant balls of energy exuding the basic functions of compassion, happiness, creativity and curiosity on any given day. Then we start to grow up, and as we do we gain an awareness for society and those around us and in doing so we start to adopt some of their beliefs or at the very least become conscious of them. Basically, there are countless little behaviors and aspects of ourselves that undergo change from the time we become aware of the public’s opinion all because we allow it to and feel the need to conform to the rest of the world’s critiques. With every change we make and belief we adopt we stray further from our true self, the self that would run, sing and dance around in a crazy outfit paying no mind to any frightened onlookers, for example. 

I’ve always been a person that has had no care for what others thought of me as long as I was still satisfied with myself at the end of the day. Being able to march to the beat of my own drum brought me joy and fulfillment. Slowly, as I spent more time on social media I began criticizing my body. Then, looking at what my classmates were achieving made me question my intelligence. And failing at various things a countless number of times made me rethink my worth…and so on and so forth. Now, all of this didn’t happen at once, because that would surely be a cause for concern, but the little things certainly begin to add up. I wasn’t even aware of all the things that I have changed about myself that I once loved due to allowing myself to cave into societal pressures that ultimately I place upon myself. But here’s a crazy idea- you don’t have to let society bully you into change. The idea that I am bringing all of this negativity into my life just because I am opening my internal doors to it is still wildly upsetting. 

With every negative thought and idea that I’ve adopted all in an attempt to please society, I’ve subconsciously contributed to the “unloving” of myself. I’m writing this today hoping that I can strike a nerve within a few readers who may feel similar so that they can cut it out! With hopes to combat this unloving I can only advise that we stop acting for the benefit of others and start acting for the contentment and joy of ourselves. We are the tellers of our own stories so stop spreading negative thoughts to yourself about yourself because you’ll quickly stray incredibly far from anything resembling self-love. Instead of criticizing your body because it doesn’t fit society’s ideal body image, celebrate it for helping and supporting you through every day of your life. If we start loving ourselves for all that we are without a care for what society thinks, we can get back to that free-spirited place we once were as children. This way we can once again be like kids running around on a playground, snot dripping down their faces…only maybe we’ll just stick to the metaphor of that instance; or not because who am I to persuade you to do otherwise!

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